i just got the news today. Last night, someone from my school chose to end his life. It came to me as a shock, even though i did not know that guy. It shocked me cos, i realised, had it not been for God, i would have been like him too. I'm serious. Over the past two months, i have never been so so so down before, experiencing desperate emotions that no other peopl can simply understnad just by hearing my words. It may sound nothing, but having half a year of syllabus left to study per science subject, plus the burden to start to try my best for God, its realli getting to me. I, for one, have never ever strifed to study to glorify God's name, until now.

its a good thing that God looks at the effort, not only the result. If not, i would not have anything to show to Him. realli.

thinking back, this is not the first time i have heard of someone commiting suicide. In my sec 3 year back in The Chinese High, one of my sec 4 seniors oso did that. Both times, i did not know the people who had took their own lives, but both times, i had came into contact with people who had known them. Today esp, my teacher in charge of my cca, he came to me, his heart totally broken, for the child who had taken his own life was his student from another cca. Even he, not very clsoe to the person, feel so much pain. So i realised, if i had taken my own life in this period of time, those closest to me would realli feel the most pain, over prolonged period of time.

therefore, i have told myself, i have a prize in front of me to be earned. i must make use of my advantage as someone not expected to perform, to perform and ultimately, be a shining testimony. So far, i have heard to success stories from CDE jump to ABB. i will and must strive to do much better. Do keep me in prayer, really.

today i was realli hit with panic. For the first time of my life, i'm so worried that i cant even study, right before my physics paper. For 2 whole hours, i just looked through my notes, but not a single information could get it. walked around and this time, took initiative to ask my cca friends for prayers due to panic overtaking me. I was realli looking around for someone to talk to, someone to help me turn my focus away from studies, no avail. than i cried out to God.

its pretty wierd how i alwaes cry out to God but never expecting a reply. Maybe cos i haven been hearing Him clearly since young, but i always have this mindset that God takes very very long to reply, though He shows His love. Maybe once or twice, i remembered realli wanting God to talk to me, even now. However, i am fearful of disappointments, of God not answer me stright away, so i dun put my hopes high on His replies. I believe, its somthing i need to work towards.

back to topic, physics paper, i would think that if one studied, it wasnt that hard. Afterall, i knew some questions i could do if i had remembered some simple formulas. nevermind, at least i lasted throughout the paper. Now, if i can get more than 40 marks out of 110, i'll be a satisfied man(its quite possble now). At least, even if i fail this paper, at least God helped me keep my mind occupied for the 2 hrs 30 mins throughout the paper. If i had finished any earlier, i would have spent the excesst time worrying.

Oh well, i haven attempted a single chem paper up till now, and my chem paper is on wed. how i wish, realli realli wish, that i could enter into a coma and go heaven, where God will tutor me, and i have eternity to study. Wonderful. I'd seriously prayed for it, but i'm quite sure God wont allow that.

Sometimes i think, If i am God, a person like what i am right now being my believer, would realli be a bane and pain to my(God) existence.

Living life on earth, there are millions of other things better to be than a christian. The demands of living up to a certain image, that when teacher press for my 'religion', i am always relunctant to say i am a christian who has an existing relationship with God, reason being, my results do not reflect my princely status.

right now, i feel at peace, amidst the storm. But this is a wierd feeling of peace. Its like shelter in the storm. However, when i look out of the shelter, i will almost instantly forget about my safe refuge and start to worry abt the storm. Thats how bad the storm is. Looks like a hail storm or even a hurricane.

i still feel like i would rather be:
- an insect that people could crush and die instantly
- a cattle or poultry, a lamb, that is living just for the sake of dying, that all, without forcing the brain to work much
- accidentally in the middle of the road in the face of an oncoming lorry accelerating so fast that when it reaches me, i would be deflected to heaven without feeling any pain.
- an eagle soaring high above the clouds, looking for my next prey instead of being a prey myself; prey to the worries of exams.

in conclusion, i would rather be in heaven now.

my fren said sth which was quite funny but yet, true for me.

"If life were a computer game, than SAJC(A levels) would be the final big boss.".
Looks like its the case for me now.

you know, even my body is getting accustomed to minimal sleep that even though i am very tired, the average number of hours of sleep my body can take is up to 4 or 5 hours. more than that and i cant sleep.

the bad thing is, upon waking up, its even more tiring, yet cannot fall into deep sleep again.

-------------------------------------------------------------
anyway, was pondering over the entry that samsom put up. Its realli quite true that we do not see much of the prophetic ministry now a days.

i wonder, what defines the authority and role of a modern day prophet?

i feel as though the world whole is crushing down on me. The notion of "i enjoy being a christian" is now constantly being challenged, cos its great burden to even try to glorify God in my results. I have like half or more than half a year of syllabus to cover for both my sciences. Monday, there is GP paper one and 2 in the morning, followed by physics paper 3, which is upon 110 marks, right in the same afternoon. If this aint a killer, i dunno what is. Chem and Maths the next 2 days, before a short break.

the last few weeks i had been quite moody. The fact that my concentration on studies had resulted in a strained relationship, its realli draining on my emotions(i dont want for this to happen). Not even yet counting feelings and emotions that had been attached to this particular fren(whom used to be very close), it pains me almost to the infinite just to lose the close frenship itself, due to not being able to hang out much cos i realli realli want to try my best to glorify God in my studies. This fren found some new besties in this period of time and had been hanging out with them. I've been trying, though not going all out, to at least salvage this close frenship. Not that we are not on good terms. Its just that my sudden withdrawal from this close bond had left both of us not as comfy as we were with one another.

nevertheless, losing this frenship had made me learnt much. I cant blame God. He gives and takes away. I can only thank God for this frenship, no matter how short-lived it is. i have entered this frenship and exited from it a much more mature person. This close fren, just through hanging out, i learnt to be more gentlemenly, more sensitive to others. Also, i saw in this fren many of my own flaws(we are quite similiar in many behavioural aspects, though i think most times i'm much worse than this fren), so i managed to learn to be a much better person by changing my flaws. Not that this fren is full of flaws. Its just that everyone have some flaws and these flaws catches the eye over time.

One of the lesson i learn which is most important is, do not complan about other, esp abt good fren. You see, on my fren's birthday, i purposely played it down so as to surprise this fren the day after this fren's birthday. However, this fren did not know of the surprise, and was super sad that we(as a group of frens), did not do anything special. So, being the complain type of person, this fren complained and complained to other good frens abt us. Granted, i know this fren did not mean it the vengence way, just that complaining was a vent, but it realli hurt me in a way i would never wanna experience again. Its sort of like talking behind my back. Thats why, i will realli try not to do the same.

just anther example. to save my close frenship with this fren, we had a conversation once(cos now we do not even talk), but not having a particular topic in mind, i just rambled, in the end sprouted some rubbish which i was not supposed to say. I almost ruined this fren's frenship with another fren. Thank God that He gave me wisdom to act upon it and seek the right pathe, which was to apologise to the fren i complained against.

one thing that had eluded me is happiness, but on the pathe trying to find and seek it, i have stumbled upon joy after joy. The simple joy of completing some chapters of studies knowing that i have pleased God. i know, i will not do extra well for this prelims. i know it, but i realli need prayer, guys.

pray for:
1) concentration in my studies
2) energy and strength due to little sleeping hours
3) ability to enter sleep much faster
4) understanding of my notes and application of acquired knowledge.
5) God to speak to me and encourage me, a closer walk with Him.
6) God will encourage me by helping me to study the more important topics more and by doing better in this prelims, spurr me to improve more.

yeah anyway, my QT had been quite good. Not that i'm in good mood when entering QT mode, but i have been ablet o cry out to God, and esp today, after i told God upteenth times to "take away my life cos its realli painful"(while playing guitar and worshipping, coming up with songs which lyrics speaks of the 101 reasons why God should take me away now, with tears rolling down my cheeks, wishin that God would do just that.), though God did not speak audibly, but i felt alot better jsut teling God my POV and my complains.

anyway, i was talking abt frenship loss, but thank God for stronger frenships forged too. i was able to hang out with a brother and sister in Christ, their names- Chao Yuan, Jayce. they are from my cca, SFC, and following the stepping down from our ccas, we had been studying together quite often. after school and also overnight. the encouragements i get from these siblings in Christ are indeed very precious. thank God for them.

thanks guys for keeping up with my life :D do pray for me and tag your prayer requests on my tag-board so i can do my part by praying for u too!:D

Went to planet shakers concert yesterday. Praise was good, but i was jumping ard in my birkenstocks when i had this bad feeling that my birks might break. It distracted me qutie abit for praise time. Than, i decided that even if my birks were to break, i will still wanna praise God! well, but that dosent mean my birks wont break, so i decided to jump and praise God bare-footed.

Came worship. i think we were singing the song 'Evermore', when i lifted my hands, and before i knew it, i was crying out to God, calling, "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!". This had never happened to me before, at such a fast pace that i dint even knew what i was doing. The tears fell of course, but i dunno why. i felt relieved, but i also dunno relieved of what, cos i was still to a certain extend, and still am, quite burdened. I just felt lighter. Inside me. Its the feeling that like i am pleasing God. But much disernment is still needed.

Thats for planet shakers. A sister in Christ from my cca brought her non-christian classmate/s along. Made me realise more and more than i haven been into my ministry in school. The burden of doing well in studies as a testimony for God realli left me quite useless in other areas of ministry, esp outreach. Pray for new fire for my school ministry, even though there is not much time left, precisely why i should buck up.

Few weeks ago, went to Mike Cornel's deliverence service. Sth i dint write down on my other blog was that i actually went up for all the altar calls. better safe than sorry. Altar call for generational curses, martial arts involvement, sexual sins which includes stray thoughts, i was up for all altar calls. Generational curses, i dunno, but a few of my family members had dies due to same reasons - car crash, though it was before i was borned. Martial arts involvement- judo. Sexual sins- i dunno, 4 years of guys school, to a certain extend, even the purest of human heart will be tinted. i wasnt sure.

During one of the altar calls, this guy from the deliverence team came over. placed his hand on my forehead. i spake forgiveness and repentence and lifted up my hands. than i induced coughing- a signification of ousting breathe/air- something spirits are liken to in the Word. Than, the coughing got out of control and i broke into loud and violent coughing, felt like being choked. My whole face numbed and i started salivating. Fingers stiffen and i could only call out to Jesus to help me. All these while, my mind was conscious, but i could'nt bring myself to control some of my body functions, esp the salivating part. All i could do was to suck in my saliva, but the saliva kept forming. In the end, i recovered to my sane self. i am not sure if its the result of such a service, but that night's QT, i was able to concentrate better.

If God really want me in this ministry, theres alot of things i realli have to do. like memorising His word, or even start to realise His will and purpose, get a life partner that encourages and help in this ministry, which of course, demands alot of seeking for God's will on my part. On top of all these, i realli need to get myself right with God. That day at City Harvest during the deliverence service, the manifestations could easily went up to 3 digits, the number of people who were delivered that is. Not the same for the spirits that were oust. One of my frens saw gaseous elements coming out from one body. There is a high probablilty there is more than one spirit that is influencing each person. And if they can come out, they can go in again. which means that my shield have to be impenetratable. This one, i need alot of prayers; to be focused in seeking Him only. Many things are distracting me now.

oh well, but it might not come to be that i may be part of this ministry till eons later. God's will.
----------
a random tot: i think it would be nice to get married very early and be a nice cool funky dad(and husband too). i saw this daddy with coloured hair, nicely styleswith his wife of course, and a young kid.. marriage bliss. haa. but i foresee alot of problems. BUt, its sth to pray for.

Dear Father,

before i was 18, i made a covanent with You that i will be single till then. Back then, i knew that any feelings i had for any gal- romantic ones, should not be entertained.

What now, that i am already 18? What pleases You, oh Lord, now that i am confused and cant even decipher my own emotions?Its like a million feelings mixed up, unable to distinguish which from which.

Confusion, or issit the consiousness of the unstable equilibrium? Whatever it is, its distracting me so much so that i am in partial anguish cos of it. Something U planned for a child like me to go through, God, point the way!

Love,
your precious son.

relationship-breaking emotions. my bad.
lost and fond.