today i was realli hit with panic. For the first time of my life, i'm so worried that i cant even study, right before my physics paper. For 2 whole hours, i just looked through my notes, but not a single information could get it. walked around and this time, took initiative to ask my cca friends for prayers due to panic overtaking me. I was realli looking around for someone to talk to, someone to help me turn my focus away from studies, no avail. than i cried out to God.
its pretty wierd how i alwaes cry out to God but never expecting a reply. Maybe cos i haven been hearing Him clearly since young, but i always have this mindset that God takes very very long to reply, though He shows His love. Maybe once or twice, i remembered realli wanting God to talk to me, even now. However, i am fearful of disappointments, of God not answer me stright away, so i dun put my hopes high on His replies. I believe, its somthing i need to work towards.
back to topic, physics paper, i would think that if one studied, it wasnt that hard. Afterall, i knew some questions i could do if i had remembered some simple formulas. nevermind, at least i lasted throughout the paper. Now, if i can get more than 40 marks out of 110, i'll be a satisfied man(its quite possble now). At least, even if i fail this paper, at least God helped me keep my mind occupied for the 2 hrs 30 mins throughout the paper. If i had finished any earlier, i would have spent the excesst time worrying.
Oh well, i haven attempted a single chem paper up till now, and my chem paper is on wed. how i wish, realli realli wish, that i could enter into a coma and go heaven, where God will tutor me, and i have eternity to study. Wonderful. I'd seriously prayed for it, but i'm quite sure God wont allow that.
Sometimes i think, If i am God, a person like what i am right now being my believer, would realli be a bane and pain to my(God) existence.
its pretty wierd how i alwaes cry out to God but never expecting a reply. Maybe cos i haven been hearing Him clearly since young, but i always have this mindset that God takes very very long to reply, though He shows His love. Maybe once or twice, i remembered realli wanting God to talk to me, even now. However, i am fearful of disappointments, of God not answer me stright away, so i dun put my hopes high on His replies. I believe, its somthing i need to work towards.
back to topic, physics paper, i would think that if one studied, it wasnt that hard. Afterall, i knew some questions i could do if i had remembered some simple formulas. nevermind, at least i lasted throughout the paper. Now, if i can get more than 40 marks out of 110, i'll be a satisfied man(its quite possble now). At least, even if i fail this paper, at least God helped me keep my mind occupied for the 2 hrs 30 mins throughout the paper. If i had finished any earlier, i would have spent the excesst time worrying.
Oh well, i haven attempted a single chem paper up till now, and my chem paper is on wed. how i wish, realli realli wish, that i could enter into a coma and go heaven, where God will tutor me, and i have eternity to study. Wonderful. I'd seriously prayed for it, but i'm quite sure God wont allow that.
Sometimes i think, If i am God, a person like what i am right now being my believer, would realli be a bane and pain to my(God) existence.
posted by caleb at 8:58 AM
1 Comments:
Yo bros.
Just finished watching Singapore Idol. Got some thoughts. Don't want to put up on my blog cuz it sounds judgemental.
Watching Idol reminds me of why I never started to sing secular songs. Besides National Anthem and so on. Well I never started cuz I never really had friends into it. But now that I do and I can if I want to. And M3 tech makes it so easy. I still don't want to.
Secular songs always have meanings beneath them. Listen carefully and you'll find that some are quite off tangent from the bible. Some in very subtle ways.
I kinda not like the way Idol contestants go out and perform. Try to be someone else. Create their own identity. It's attractive, sure. Many people like you. But then it's so worthless. Singing for fame. I really dislike it.
I think if you do secular songs it'll be quite hard to do praise and worship songs. Use the same mouth to sing bout the world and then later praise the Lord.
Elsewhere I've been studying hard. But the Enemy is attacking my old areas of lust again. Taking hope in Psalm 37:23-24. If the Lord delights in a man's ways He keeps his steps firm though he stumbles he will not fall for the Lord upholds him with His hand.
It all began again when I started to fear for my prelims again. Then attacks came I started to compromise on my thought processes. I hate this shit. It's really shit. No. Shit's much better than this.
Prelims coming. I don't know how I'll do.
Thought that this year I was closer to God than before. But then again I think I've sinned a lot this year. I think that I haven't lived up to what I should have. And I am quite disappointed with myself in some areas.
Pride, lust. Same ol same ol. Self-condemnation. Blah Blah.
And vulgar language. The F word especially keeps popping up in my head.
Ah. People on the outside think I'm doing well. But dear discipler and accountability partner. I'm opening up this frustrated part of my life to you. Perhaps it doesn't sound too coherent, but you get the idea.
The only reason I worship so hard on Saturdays is that I'm really desperate for God. I'm desperate for God even now. Everyday.
Ta.
P.S. I'm still quite alive and well. Nobody on the outside sees this stuff. Caleb ah, only Samson and me here hor? If not must tell me leh.
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