long absence from this blog, but i was actually gathering my question marks during this period. Guess the answering of my questions sorta start recently when my heart is more after Him.

Thank God for TaiYong for the Godly advice regarding relationships and the academic support at least in maths and prayers, in preparation for my A levels. And also the prayer that you guys put it. I would not have been so without all your prayers.

thanks also for brothers and sisters in Christ whom got me back to children ministry. Tried to siam from it after A levels so that i can relax for awhile but, hey, guess i am back for good again, and it realli feels good. Dont think i will drop it in army, cos by far, its the only ministry that realli refrained me of the things of the world like vulgarities and lust, when i think that whatever i am will be transfered over to my kids in sunday sku.

YPM camp - UNITED

I really thank God for this camp. This theme is sth i think is much lacking in YPM even among the cell groups and within the cell groups itself, for one, its LEVI, that is, between the younger members like me, and the more lao jiao like the leaders aaron and melvyn. Even though the original cell members only got me, rachel, mandia, aaron and melvyn, and that both of the last 2 names have to keep running abt cos they are in camp com, i was rather thankful to be able to play a part in cell bonding, and that at the end of the camp, many of the other members have at least visited us. For this camp, i sorta played the glue, trying to hold whatever group we have, cos it realli consisted of alot of newer members. The challange therefore, was for me rachel and mandia, not to talk too much amongst the 3 of us but rather, involve the rest of the group.

In this camp, my skeptism realli got into me somehow. Especially during praise and worship. There are some things that i cannot reconcile with and its that sometimes, worship leaders(i shall not name names, but its NOT you, samson) try to lead using their own strength, instead of just leading by example of worship. On one hand, i have to give worship leaders respect cos i agree God allowed them to be up there and that i myself am not even daring enough to be in this minitry, yet, it gets realli irritating when the worship leader tries to RARA the crowd and when the crowd is no RARA-ed, the worship leader shows undivine disappointment and feel incompetent. So, when such a person is up there leading worship, it is usually the main reason why i should not give my all. However, when i told God this, for the rest of the camp when other worship leaders lead, i still did not gave 100% and i know, for sure, that worship is not abt the worship leader. Yes, worship leaders can be catalyst, but worship has to come from myself. ya? ya.

on the whole, the camp was a relaxing and good experience. Camp food was good, schedule was not tight, company was cool. I hope YPM camps walk the cell group themes for some years at least.

Some Afterthoughts

hey taiyong, remember the talk on the bus yesterday, abt us having the rare disipline/experience of liking a girl but not pursuing a relationship, it sorta hit me realli hard on the thinking part jsut now cos i realised that sometimes, had it not been the not-enough-courage, or the gal-never-take-initiative, i would have been attached since long time ago. Its not a discipline i trained myself, but rather looking back, its realli God's grace and timing.

two posts in two days on this blog, i go realli have quite alot to fret for.

i've been trying to battle alot of temptations lately, to laze, lust, u say it, i might probably have it. Thank God and praise be to Him, for He had been faithful and have always put alot of other tots on my mind just when i start to entertain those temptations. So far, its been a faith walk and i haven't slipped much, though i must admit, i'm quite very close to slipping at times. worrying.

my results made me realised that its all God and not me, thats why currently, i am realli scared of slipping behind in my walk. for the first time in 3 months last friday, i skipped my quiet time. pray that it does not get into a pattern. Also, i haven been able to talk to God lately. i'll enter into prayer and end up drifting away into my own world of tots. Its been really realli dry and i fear for my walk. Its been abt 10 mths since i have rededicated my life to God and now, its realli like an all time low for this season.

Another thing. i sprout alot of nonsense out of my mouth lately, so much so i cant stand it sometimes. its not the normal nonsense i had been sprouting, but lately, more of being sharp tongued, esp to people i dont have patience for.

My father on the other hand, had been saying chinese vulgarities all over the phone. i dont like being ard him. thats why i frequent my grandma's house. BUT, going there reminds me of the fact that i haven tried my best to reach out to them, cos my grands are buddhists. My mom managed with God's help to convert 3 others to God, but the maj there are still non-christian. Pray for renewed passion to see my family saved.

i think my family is gonna break apart. mom told me she has sth to tell me and my brother after our exams, which means its gonnna be somthing big. sth along the line of a divorce. not that i am concerned abt it, in fact, i am just numb to the fact

the past few years had been very tough for my mom cos she had been the one trying to take initiative to mend relationship even though from my point of view, its my dad's pride that got the things the way they are now. And now, he still doesnt wanna admit that he is wrong. On top of that, when my mom goes to sleep the past few weeks, he would rub plastics bags and make loud noises with it just to irritate my mom. me and my brother both stand witness. The plastic bag by the way, is empty, and there is no reason why he should do it at night. at abt 1 am. he stops when he knows my mom's awake.

another thing, i'm quite sure that my dad's been using his power as the reignin RC chairman to do somethings that are pretty distasteful, like pulling strings and givingmy brother 70 hours of CIP for working in the RC library, even though my brother himself professed that he had never even smelt the books in that place. moreover, i do hear once that he talked abt feng shui. Come on, he serves in the China ministry in our church.

i think, sumtimes, i dunno why i still can stand it with him. hai. do keep me in prayer. my results are sumthing to thank God for this time round though. :D

yup i know that its much better being the one telling things than being the one doing things. its so hard.

just for updates, on sunday before i slept, i message my fren to comfirm if chem was on thursday. i had planned to study chem on wednesday night. Just before i entered into dream land, my fren replied and her reply gave me a shock cos my chem exam was on MONDAy, which means i dun have time to study.

i must say, the chem paper was a walk of faith. paper 3. highest weightage. if i pass, its God. same for physics, though i already knew before hand. i couldnt stud properly and still cannot, the day before exams. however, for these 2 papers, i must say, God put in me some hope of passing. We shall see, if God chooses to deliever me. I realli pray and hope so.

for maths, my most confident paper, well, i flopped it. i couldnt understand the question, so that meant that i had to skip the whole questions. Something abt maths is that although the language used it in english, u have to understand it the not-english way.

i realli realli hope i can pass. and pray so too.

yup. i'm quite sure theres onli me u and samsom who knows this blog, if not, its onli us who knows the password.

i'm quite frustrated recently when i reflect on my own spiritual life, and realised how much more i would have grown had i continue to seek Him with all i have, like i used to at the beginning of the year. Sure, i havent realli skipped much of a quiet time since months ago, and each QT lasts at least 45 mins each, but sometimes if not all times, its like obligation. i cannot finish doing QT when worldy thoughts start sinking in. And yea, about the area of lust, i feelike i have been flirting with it, slowly getting deeper and more frequently.

mebbe alll these are like what u said, ty, that it origin from the frustration of studies. i dunno, but i just know that the frustrations are there. i can be doing like 3~4 hrs of work onli in a single day, and spend the rest of the day worrying, abt studies, abt life.

Another thing is, i realised that i have not much people to turn to for advices in my life, esp in areas such as frenship, and also frenship on deeper level, i.e. romantic relationships. The fact that i dont talk to my father at all dosent help too, even though he most probably used the most traditional method to woo my mom, knowing him. Plus, i realli dunno if 18 is too young. If it is, what is the difference between now and one year from now? What if i'm gonna lose my chance with a girl cos i am indecisive now? Thats quite alot of loneliness to overcome. Seeing God as a distant God definately dosent help. Theres alot of 'What ifs?" that i need answer to, but i guess some can onli be answered over time, right?

i think i'm not very disciplined in my studies, plus the fact that i took 2~3 hours just to understand a simple physics concept. depressing. and my Maths, i'm facing alot of problems, not counting yet the many topics of chem that i have not touched. Its realli a tough time for me man. haiz.

i just got the news today. Last night, someone from my school chose to end his life. It came to me as a shock, even though i did not know that guy. It shocked me cos, i realised, had it not been for God, i would have been like him too. I'm serious. Over the past two months, i have never been so so so down before, experiencing desperate emotions that no other peopl can simply understnad just by hearing my words. It may sound nothing, but having half a year of syllabus left to study per science subject, plus the burden to start to try my best for God, its realli getting to me. I, for one, have never ever strifed to study to glorify God's name, until now.

its a good thing that God looks at the effort, not only the result. If not, i would not have anything to show to Him. realli.

thinking back, this is not the first time i have heard of someone commiting suicide. In my sec 3 year back in The Chinese High, one of my sec 4 seniors oso did that. Both times, i did not know the people who had took their own lives, but both times, i had came into contact with people who had known them. Today esp, my teacher in charge of my cca, he came to me, his heart totally broken, for the child who had taken his own life was his student from another cca. Even he, not very clsoe to the person, feel so much pain. So i realised, if i had taken my own life in this period of time, those closest to me would realli feel the most pain, over prolonged period of time.

therefore, i have told myself, i have a prize in front of me to be earned. i must make use of my advantage as someone not expected to perform, to perform and ultimately, be a shining testimony. So far, i have heard to success stories from CDE jump to ABB. i will and must strive to do much better. Do keep me in prayer, really.